No Sperm Left Behind!

by Barbara Santee

In a move that surprised even his staunchest supporters, President Bush today announced an initiative to extend insurance coverage to the sperms
and eggs of all Americans. Last year, the federal State Children's Heatlh Insurance Program (SCHIP) was expanded to cover zygotes, embryos
and fetuses, although no coverage was given to the pregnant woman herself.

HHS Secretary Tommy G. Thompson commented: "We are only taking the next logical step in protecting potential human life. By providing the best care possible at all stages of life up to the point of birth, we are assuring that more and better children will be born."

When asked how the government planned to implement this program, Thompson was a little less clear. "Well, as you know, many sperm out
there are unable to get to their final destination because their flagella are missing or defective. We hope to remedy that problem by checking out the ejaculate of every male in the United States and fixing any substandard sperm."

When it was suggested that sperm would be more apt to get to the egg if they only stopped and asked directions, Thompson pooh-poohed the idea.
"Sperm are human life. Each one needs to be given a fair chance for survival, and that's what we intend to do." When asked about the rumor
that each sperm would be issued a social security card, Thompson said, "No comment."

He was asked if the cost of such an extensive and admittedly complex program wouldn't be prohibitive, given the Administration's current plans to invade Iraq. A war will cost a billion dollars a day and possibly kill a quarter of a million post-sperm humans. Thompson shrugged it off with, "God will provide."

He then excused himself to attend the Congressional Prayer Group which meets daily in the office of Attorney General John Ashcroft.